It is almost 2AM and once again I cannot sleep. I do not understand. Why won’t my body let me sleep? I am tired. I am tired of not being heard.
I am tired of not being accepted. I am tired of not being understood. I am tired of not being wanted. I am tired of my deficits only being seen and my strengths being ignored. I am tired of hurting, both mentally and physically. I am tired, but my body will not let me sleep.
I don’t know . . . I don’t know the words. I can’t find them. I need to explain how I feel, but the words won’t come. Why am I not wanted, why am I not seen? I am good at what I do and I am true to who I am. But I am not seen, not the real me. The one who sees the magic and beauty in how the morning sunlight glistens off dew on a spider web. The one who feels so much joy when a flower bud is about to open. The one who gazes upon the stars and is blow away by the wonders of it all.
The one who still believes in being honorable and having integrity. The one who still struggles with things that most people don’t even think about and don’t understand when I ask for help. This is me.
I just want to be seen. Not ignored. Not disregarded. Not blown off. Not made to feel guilty or ashamed of how I am or how I feel.
My heart is real. What I feel is real. I am here. I have always been here. I have survived through so much and will continue to do so. They haven’t destroyed me yet. I will keep on fighting. But right now I feel like a wilted and crushed flower. There for all to see, but ignored and discarded.
What do I do? What can I do? I need to find a way to mend my damaged petals and continue on. I need to find the sun and let my spirit dance on the sun beams. I need to find a rainbow and let the colors play across my skin.
My journey is not complete. The sun is still calling to me, that beautiful star that fuels life on this amazing blue marble that we live on. Through everything that is ugly and full of pain, there is still beauty and wonder out there. I still believe in that.
“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
― Walter Anderson
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson