I ponder if I could have done anything different.
Could I have prevented your trauma?
What if I had done this or that or . . . ?
Would it have it made any difference if I had done this or that or . . . ?
The what ifs, could haves, and should haves are useless,
And only cause further misery.
My beautiful baby boy,
Who has grown into a resilient, young man.
Why has life been so hard on you?
It is not fair what has happened to you,
Your childhood and adolescence taken away.
An umbrella terms for so much ugliness.
Fear of physical abuse
How can one parent be so cruel?
How can one parent cause so much harm?
Adverse Childhood Trauma – ACEs
You became a statistic,
Being exposed to violence in the home,
One of 275 million children worldwide.
You were eleven when he left,
Leaving behind casualties of a war with himself.
I tell myself I tried and I kept trying,
But it wasn’t enough.
I couldn’t protect you,
He hurt you through me.
My wonderful boy,
How do I help you learn that “fun” is not a four letter word?
How do I help you understand you are enough,
And that you have worth just by being?
You bring joy to so many,
Even though the world has brought you so much sorrow.
Telling you I am sorry won’t make the pain go away.
I wish I had a magic wand,
Or a way to snatch up all the bad memories,
But would that really be fair to you?
We are a culmination of our life experiences – good and bad.
A combination of light and dark seeking balance.
You have learned how to survive,
But now as you turn the page to the next chapter,
Strive to reduce your internal entropy.
Stop punishing yourself for simply managing,
Learn how to live by connecting with your emotions,
And keep moving forward.
And remember – you are not alone.